Lone Goddess: The Absence of Lover by Akasha Martin

Written by Akasha Martin 

“Create a world, your world. Alone. Stand alone. Create. And then the love will come to you, then it comes to you.” -Anaïs Nin​-

 

I’ve always had a longing for The Other. This innate craving to mentally, physically, and spiritually fuse with another soul—creating a bond that time nor death could separate. Perhaps it was the absence of father that created this search for some other being to validate my worth or a desire to see all that I was willing to give of myself for love be reflected back to me. Whatever the intention, this lifelong yearning has sustained a pattern of seeking soulmate connection in every lover—but consistently coming up empty.

I sought refuge and reassurance in the bed of my conquests and used them as a cove to hide from all the aspects of myself that were deficient. They sought refuge and strength in the safety of my womb and I was more than happy to oblige—even if for the short-lived charge of electric pleasure that came with being wanted. It’s a dangerous web to weave; creating energy cords and soul ties with temporary bodies that lose their sense of purpose after the climax has faded. But this is the connection I’ve always had with men—pouring my love, my time, and my energy into vessels with no room or desire to receive to me.

Each lover arrived with the same purpose and I was never content. Only left with symptoms of withdrawal—hands shaking and pacing wall to wall like an addict anticipating her next fix. It was only after an overdose on a lover much too potent for my already overtaxed system that I began to retreat within and reflect on my escapades with men who didn’t have the capacity to love me. What was I truly trying to fill? And why did I have this perception that my existence lacked value unless there was another to pour myself into?

This is where I currently reside on my journey of healing. Recovering the fragments left scattered about in my search for validation and bringing them back into wholeness. Going within and asking the right questions revealed to me that this quest of “The Other” was really a deep seated fear that I wasn’t enough and if I never found “The Other”—would I be able to live with that? Although it’s something I’d rather not imagine—the answer is yes.

I can exist without the ideology of a beloved soulmate arriving to save me from myself.

I can walk the solitary path with courage—because it is far more frightening having my energy taken with no intention of replenishing what I’ve supplied. I am not content with lack of reciprocity.

So I have become much like Daphne; a lone goddess retreating into nature to nurture my passions and longings—to study all the cracks and unraveling seams that make up Me. I am in a state of preservation and will transform into an inanimate object should any hunter attempt to pursue me.

I am learning that my presence is more than enough to sustain me.

Through the absence of lover—I have found comfort in a Universe of my own making.

Photography Credit: Expressions Untold

Akasha Martin is a traveling freelance writer and blogger hailing from the “Windy City” of Chicago. She’s a hedonistic Goddess and holistic health enthusiast who’s passionate about empowering women and young girls of color on how to be more connected to mind, body, and spirit and hopes to be a catalyst for helping others transform every area of their life and be their most authentic self.

Her upcoming book The Soul Promptings of a Nomadic Goddess is set to make its debut in Spring of 2018.

You can follow her travel adventures @nomadic_akasha on Instagram and read more of her work at  https://www.blackfemmewitchesbrew.com

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